Skeletons

Some people hide their skeletons
in dark, cobwebbed corners in
their closest buried under
misplaced socks, old magazines
and denial.
But I crawl out of bed when
insomnia wont let me rest,
open the closet door
and have tea with my past
mistakes-
and I shake hands with
the long, cold boney fingers of
regret
and pain healed over with
ragged, ugly scars-
and I wonder what makes people
prefer to keep it hidden away
only to pop up after
one too many drinks
or another unhappy ending
you secretly knew you could
have prevented if you
swallowed the discomfort
and made friends with
the hurt.

“skeletons”- 11-30-13-jessicagadziala 

Peacekeeper

 

I forgive those
who never deserved a second chance
or third
or fourth
of fifteenth
and I lick the wounds in silent
self-loathing-
their names bringing memories
as sharp as knives and I can feel
my resolve slip with every
unanswered call and text
mistakingly thinking I can
get my point across better with
silence
than the words filling my throat
and sitting heavy on my chest
it is no wonder I have
panic attacks at the thought
of standing up for myself-
I was raised to keep quit
duck my head
and avoid confrontation-
And I could hate them better if they would just … let me
if they kept my name from their lips
and took my silence as the
loudest kind of noise
but I know my phone is
beeping in the other room and
it is getting harder and harder
to keep pretending my spine isn’t
weak from all this bending over backward
to keep the peace.

“Peacekeeper”- 11-30-13-jessicagadziala

Ihop On A Friday Night

 

It was all fluorescent lights,
and vinyl covered booths
and I laughed for the first time
in more months than I care to admit-
and I let a stranger run his
fingers through my hair
and fantasized about the person
across the faux wood tabletop-
a man who would take me to plays
and other countries,
who will sit with me until
3AM on a Friday night discussing
everything
and nothing
and enjoying every moment of
each other’s company.
And there you are all the way
across town in bed instead of
next to me and
I don’t even know the names of your
ex-girlfriends,
if you’ve ever had your heart broken-
if my actions are even capable
of sending a ripple across
your calm surface.
Would you even care if I told you
I had more fun in five hours without you
than I have in eleven months at your side…

“Ihop On A Friday Night”- 11-30-13- jessicagadziala 

Advice For An Upcoming New Year

Forgive them.
I know they led you around
by your throat
or heart
but the bitterness will eat you
from the inside out
and the boys that left you to
sit by your phone or cry in the shower
surely don’t waste their time
thinking about that time you
called them an asshole and how
they just cant let that go.
So set them… no… set yourself
free.

Stop apologizing.
I know you were born female and
were raised with “I’m sorry”
tripping off your tongue but
sometimes it will feel so much
better to say
you did nothing wrong
and you are not going to grovel
to avoid a fight.

And love yourself-
or if you cant do that-
make yourself someone different
dye your hair
change your city
dress up in a tight dress, high heels, and streetwalker red lipstick on
a Tuesday night and meet strangers-
let them call you something new-
detach from who you have been
or have been pretending to be
for years.

“Advice For An Upcoming New Year”- 11-28-13- jessicagadziala

So You Called Him…

 

l    So you called him
or answered him or whatever
after boasting
for the world to see
that you were stronger than that.

ll    And calling him didn’t solve
anything, did it?
(like you already knew)
he kissed you and massaged your neck
until you were practically purring under
his touch.
But he didn’t call you today
again.
The same old cycle
this ridiculous vicious circle
you keep allowing yourself
to be pulled into until
you feel ill.

lll    It is okay to be a bitch.
You cant always worry that you are
hurting his feelings-
he smashes yours with a hammer
a dozen times a week.
And his opinion shouldn’t be the
thing that alters your behavior
anyway.
Let him nurse his wounds
with his friends and his video games
(that he has been using as an excuse to
not see you for a week at a time, for months).
Let him learn how it feels
to know that you are no longer just
a phone call away.

lV    And for goodness sakes, woman…
don’t fucking call him.

“So You Called Him”- 11-28-13- jessicagadziala

Hair

I cant wash him out of my hair
even though it has completely
grown new since the last time
his fingers stroked its
softness from my scalp to my hips-
I cut it all off and felt
naked and unprotected without its
fullness to hide behind-
but somehow he is there
deep in the root, forever-
and I cant unfeel his hands
no matter how many others have
stroked me cheek to toes
and everywhere inbetween
I can feel his fingers bringing
chills and goosebumps and wonder.
and I cant erase these scars
on my heart
my thighs
and wrists
every inch of me screams
with his memory.

“Hair”-11-27-13- jessicagadziala

Poetry Books

I could write a million lines
in a hundred poetry books
and every word would drip
heavy of your name
even ones about other men
who have come since you
left me standing with my
heart in my hands-
somehow you would be there
just under the surface
making my similies and metaphors
about love trip clumsy
and gracelessly fall on their faces.

“Poetry Books” – 11-26-13- jessicagadziala

Until It Doesn’t Hurt

I couldn’t get back two years
of my life spent worrying
myself to ulcers over someone
who could never love me as much
as he claimed.
And I cant erase the person
it made me become
weak and passive and so consumed
with someone else that I
forgot how to be myself.
But I could wear clothes I
wouldn’t be caught dead in three
years ago
and I could give up friends
and family
and coffee
and food
and I could bury myself so deep
in sorrow that I took
blades to my own skin
and force myself to fall into bed
with a virtual stranger and spent
two hours in the shower after trying
to wash the regret away
and you could cut off sixteen inches
of hair that he once loved running his
fingers through
and pierce things
and date boys your mother would
never allow into her home
and drink too much
and dance with strangers
and take too many chances
and try to bury him underneath
the rubble of new mistakes
and memories
until it doesn’t hurt.

“Until It Doesn’t Hurt”- 11-25-13- jessicagadziala

Painful Red Reminders

I swear this razor only begs
to kiss my skin
on nights like this
too long and lonely and
overflowing with thoughts of him-
though the “him” has changed
three times in two years
I can count the disappointment
in scars instead of
days or weeks or months anymore-
and I guess it is an evolution
of sorts-
I have a bottle of pills hidden
in a shoe under my bed and I haven’t
looked at it like an option
(a final end)
since that first one chose
other arms to fall into and leaving
me with his goodbye, his memory
and his habit of finding relief in
the form of sharpened objects
and painful red reminders.

“Painful Red Reminders”- 11-25-13- jessicagadziala

Don’t Call Him

Don’t call him.
It wont solve anything to reach out because the nights are getting
longer and colder.
Take a hot shower, drink a cup of tea
and go to bed early for a change.
I know the temptation
can feel stronger than your need
to cut your hair when life becomes stale-
but you will only regret it
like the two years it took
for all of it to grow back again.
Don’t give in.
He needs to know that you
will
not
settle-
for a man who wont introduce you
to his friends or see you on the weekends
or tell you he loves you.
And don’t answer him either.
This might even be harder
than not calling him because maybe
him reaching out first is a sign
that he is changing
maybe he will buy you flowers
or candy
or tell you to get dressed up
and take you to a fancy restaurant-
but that is just your weakness speaking
you know that he only ever calls
so you will come over to watch Friends reruns
and have sex.
And he certainly isn’t calling to tell you
that after a year he has realized
he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you.
So don’t pick up.
Let your voicemail tell him how
you wish him well
but he can go fuck himself if he thinks he can dance around you
forever.
So for God’s sake-
have some self worth and
don’t call him.

“Don’t Call Him” – 11-24-13- Jessicagadziala