Oz

“Oz”-13-31-13

I’d like to be a stronger person
and say that like a beloved
birthday balloon caught in too strong
a breeze- I release you.
But instead I grasp it tightly
wishing my life could mirror
a childhood tale and I could
hold on for dear life,
weather the strom
and end up in a bright, shiny new world
where I can find my courage
and you can find your heart-
and we wouldn’t walk around
always looking for our missing pieces
in others.

-jessicagadziala 

Wishbone

“Wishbone”- 12-31-13

Someday you will meet a girl
and she will have softer hair and
smaller thighs
and she wont have violent
scars across her skin.
And she will scream at you when
she is angry- a sign of passion
I never could display because
my voice is as meek as a mouse
and my small hands could never
throw your shit onto the front lawn
(not even when I knew someone else
had been in your arms).

Someday you’ll meet a girl
and she’ll have gravity-defying breasts
and a smile that would inspire sonnets
and she won’t have a wishbone
where her backbone should be
and she will kick your ass to the curb
instead of loving you through the excuses.

-jessicagadziala 

Stream Of Consciousness Poem 2

“Stream Of Consciousness Poem 2” -12-30-13

You sit there in your hopelessness
in a world that will never understand
wearing TARDIS socks and an old
Outkast hoodie, mixing genres and
looking more like yourself than you
ever do after spending an hour
plastering on makeup and squeezing
into tights and high heels.
And I swear you could change the world
with your words if you gave them
or yourself a chance
(If self-doubt were a drug
you’d have overdosed by now)
And you are capable of loving
so deeply that you can still
call them friends after they
lied and cheated and called you
less than worthy
but you buried your heart under
the rubble of the last collapse
and have started to doubt if it
was ever there at all.
But you wiggle your toes in those
silly socks
and I swear you are the most
beautiful thing I have ever seen.

-jessicagadziala 

Tread Lightly

“Tread Lightly”- 12-28-13

 

It’s six a.m. and I am thinking about
not eating again
about the numbers
on the nutrition labels
and the tape measure
and the treadmill readout
and the scale maybe going down for a change
because I am starting to take up too much space
and maybe if I could shrink
and contort
and force myself to become
a smaller target
then maybe I can finally feel
worthy of the area I occupy
the ground underneath my feet
wont constantly be screaming
about treading more lightly.

-jessicagadziala

Snow Day

“Snow Day”-12-26-13

I can always tell it is going to snow
by the way the air smells before a storm-
and all I want is to
get snowed in with you-
cuddled up watching movies
and getting drunk
and making lazy love
like we did last year back when
we were still getting to know the
rhythems of each other’s bodies
and knew nothing of the cracks
in our foundations that lets
the cold seep in and a
sliver of ice to creep into my heart.
And the last time the white
spread all around I built a
snowman with my niece
and had a snowball fight
with my nephew
and you were nowhere to be found.

-jessicagadziala

Life Would Be So Much Easier If Our Bedtime Stories Went Something Like…

“Life Would Be So Much Easier If Our Bedtime Stories Went Something Like…” – 12-26-13

You wont ever be able to ride a
bike without falling down and scraping
your knees.
Your imaginary friends will be better
than any of the ones you will find
in real life.
And all those romance novels you will
devour in middle school will break
your heart because
#1 will cheat
#2 will cheat
#’s 3 and 4 and 5
will cheat
And #6 will grow a beard you will hate
but he will have pretty eyes and kiss you like he means it.
Your body will be your enemy
and you will starve it and you will
carve into it with razor blades alone in
your room when you realize you are not
as strong as you have always tried to be.
And you will lose parts of yourself that
you once swore were sewn in with
every stitch.
But you will always be that lover of words-
nose buried in the pages of those books
and your hands furiously trying to pen
your own.
And, have faith because your heart
cant, in fact, be broken
just bruised
and the colors will fade and
the pain will fade and
you will again sleep soundly
you will again sleep soundly.

 

-jessicagadziala

Any Such Talent

If I had any such talent
I would draw you in caricature-
taller than Mount Everest-
skinny as a garden rake-
with a santa claus beard-
and I would passive aggressively make
your head too big and your shoulders
too narrow to lean on-
and you would be carrying my battered
heart in its protected steel cage
where you would unconsciously be
poking at it through its bars with a stick whilst
playing Magic and video games and
paying no attention to the
figure of a squished little me underneath
your feet.

“Any Such Talent” – 12-6-13- jessicagadziala

Acting Your Age

I miss basements
cold and dreary on old forgotten
furniture from the 80’s long replaced-
with friends I swore I would keep forever
grasping onto music like lifelines
and there wasn’t anything more dire
to discuss than whether La Dispute or
Gaslight Anthem were superior lyrically.
We were eighteen and not worried that
we were running out of time and hadn’t
chosen a career because 
we were all going to be 
musicians and artists and 
romance novelists and poets anyway.

And now these days are all numbers-
the precious few hours in the day 
I don’t have to spend slaving away-
my bank account’s bottom line-
how I need to save X amount 
every pay period if I want to buy
a house that costs this much or that much-
and how much older I am getting every day.

Now I am longing for the Friday nights 
of my youth spent at my grandmother’s house-
three generations of women cuddling
tea cups in their hands and completely happy-
Instead of with my fellow twenty-somethings
playing dress up with fewer yards of fabric and too much eyeliner-
drinking too much and trying to forget
that somewhere along the way we 
gave up the belief that
music 
and art
and friends
and love
were more important than acting our age.

“Acting Your Age”- 12-4-13-jessicagadziala 

Oh, I Wish I Had A River

 

It worries me that my favorite
Christmas song is a crooning
Joni Mitchell singing a sombre
song that really isn’t even about
Christmas at all.
And I could worship at her feet
for saying all the things I am
too scared to say (just sing alone
in my car)- when it is coming
on Christmas and I cant recapture
the magic the season used to bring
because every lot full of trees
makes me sad that they had to be cut
down before they got to reach their
arms to the sky
and the songs are all about
joy and peace but I
my family has to have three
separate Christmases
because no one can get along
and it doesn’t look like we are
going to get any snow-
and I swear I wish I had a river too-
and that I could skate away from you
(because you never want to see
me anymore and you don’t try
to put me at ease but maybe I can
hope for a cold spell and the
Navesink will freeze and I can
teach my feet to fly…)

“Oh, I Wish I Had A River”- 12-3-13-jessicagadziala

Winter Is Coming

I count the days he hasn’t called
like other people count kisses
or petals on flowers
and after five days
I guess he loves me not-
(but I swear his chest is the
safest place in the world)
he kept me warm all last winter
and the world is getting
colder again and I am scared
I am going to freeze to death
from the inside out because of
all the coolness I am harboring
toward someone who lets me
spend so many nights with
cold hands and cold feet
and a phone stubbornly staying silent.

“Winter Is Coming”- 12-2-13-jessicagadziala