hey johnathan

hey Johnathan-
tell me I am wrong again-
tell me I should have held on until
my fingers bled or broke-
You could have pushed a little harder-
made me face my fears and admit that I needed you.
Because this silence breathes as devastating as
you forgetting to even call me on Valentine’s Day-
and screams as obvious as the box of chocolates
bigger than my arms can encircle sitting in my
bedroom that I refused to give you after.
and, oh, hey Johnathan-
maybe you could have told me you loved me-
a year and a half feeling like I didn’t
know where I stood had me inching ever
closer to the door-
and you should have introduced me to your friends-
instead of hiding me away in the shadows like a secret that
made my self-conscious mind pick myself apart until
every insignificant flaw felt exposed and so
painful that I was afraid to
make love to you anymore because there was nowhere to hide them all away.
(And you stopped calling me beautiful six months ago).
So, maybe, Johnathan-
you can understand that my pride wont allow me
to call you anymore-
and that maybe if you had treated me just a little bit better-
I would have stayed by your side
even though I knew that like a
pretty size six on my ugly size ten feet-
we were never going to fit.
I would have let myself spend my life
squeezing into a mold that
would always pinch me tight and uncomfortable-
and I guess- Johnathan…
maybe I was right
again
for letting my grip slip and allowing you
to fall away.

“hey Johnanthan”- 2-25-14-jessicagadziala

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