Jump

Jump-
give defying gravity a try-
stop weighing yourself down with
excuses-
and self doubt-
and past mistakes-
Close your eyes and leap from
the ledge you have been calling home-
Remember there are only
two possible outcomes-
you will sink or you will soar
and both are better than
always staying still.

“Jump” – 3-14-14- jessicagadziala

The Hanged Man

It comes down to this:
I can’t die in your world-
I would rather live
in my own
and alone with a bed that
stubbornly stays empty on one side
and arms only ever full of poetry books
and lips that are too covered in
classic red lipstick to even care that
they aren’t getting kissed-
because I could have
contorted and conformed
and you still might not have wanted me.

“The Hanged Man”- 3-9-14-jessicagadziala

Swallow The Sun

I wish I could bottle the sun
and swallow it- and it would
burst from my fingertips and
through my pores-
then maybe the flowers
and the trees and…
you
will lean toward me
rather than away for a change.

“Swallow The Sun”- 3-6-14- jessicagadziala

Olfactory

 

It bothers me that my pillowcases
never smelled like you- the scent
doesn’t linger when the lonliness
creeps in at night and I find myself
not sleeping again-
over thinking again-
and the voices in my head are screaming
that I should have tried harder-
or tried at all-
even though I knew he would never
want to spend weekends with my family
or sit and discuss
books
or music
or art
and that he could never see the
self-inflicted marks on my skin
as a testiment to my
strength to recover- not just
proof of a soul that sometimes
cant handle any more disappointment.
And it bothers me that
I don’t have a note to cling to-
love words to read over when I
cant help feeling like the tiny
inconsequential speck of stardust
that I really am.
But instead of diving into the
memorabilia of better times,
I fall asleep listening to
break-up radio and trying to remember
how you smelled like
sawdust
and engine grease
and you…

“Olfactory”- 3-3-14- jessicagadziala

Lemons

Try to remember all the times 
he reached for your hand first-
not the times you felt completely 
alone in his company-
it wont do you any good searching for
lemons to suck on-
sour has never been a look you’ve worn well.
It’s easier to allow the last 
six months of 
frustration so thick you couldn’t even
think clearly through it
to cloak the memory of the time
he pulled you close and told you 
you were beautiful-
but rewriting history creates a 
monster where there used to be someone
you cared deeply enough for to share
your body with night after night-
Refuse to cheapen your former self
for the present need for somewhere to
place the blame. 
Be mature enough to realize
that like the seasons wane and wear
so do the tethers binding hearts and
caprice isn’t a synonym for carelessness-
love changes and feelings fade
but there once was beauty
and security
and endings breed new beginnings.

“Lemons”- 3-3-14- jessicagadziala

Lemons

 

Try to remember all the times
he reached for your hand first-
not the times you felt completely
alone in his company-
it wont do you any good searching for
lemons to suck on-
sour has never been a look you’ve worn well.
It’s easier to allow the last
six months of
frustration so thick you couldn’t even
think clearly through it
to cloak the memory of the time
he pulled you close and told you
you were beautiful-
but rewriting history creates a
monster where there used to be someone
you cared deeply enough for to share
your body with night after night-
Refuse to cheapen your former self
for the present need for somewhere to
place the blame.
Be mature enough to realize
that like the seasons wane and wear
so do the tethers binding hearts and
caprice isn’t a synonym for carelessness-
love changes and feelings fade
but there once was beauty
and security
and endings breed new beginnings.

“Lemons”- 3-3-14- jessicagadziala

Pay Attention

Pay attention-
people may not always be capable
of telling you how they feel about you-
You, yourself, have often found your mouth
silent when it should have had the strength
to carry three miles of dense forest-
And you cant expect absolute truth
tripping from clumsy tongues.
They will, however, show you how they see you-
when you wait for him to call on a Friday night
in a party dress, heels, and red lipstick-
and your phone never rings-
when he spends his weekends at a beach club
and tells you he would never be seen in
public with you wearing your one-piece bathing suit-
when he gives up trying when you need him most.
It’s not that it has been a year and a half
and he still hasn’t found the words
“I love you” or “you’re beautiful”-
but that he leaves you alone often enough
for doubts to creep in-
and his hand still hasn’t found yours in public-
it’s the constant, crippling every-day proof
that to him- you are a side-thought,
a back-up plan-
only good enough to keep around
but not good enough to commit to.
So. Pay. Attention.

“Pay Attention”- 3-1-14- jessicagadziala