Olfactory

 

It bothers me that my pillowcases
never smelled like you- the scent
doesn’t linger when the lonliness
creeps in at night and I find myself
not sleeping again-
over thinking again-
and the voices in my head are screaming
that I should have tried harder-
or tried at all-
even though I knew he would never
want to spend weekends with my family
or sit and discuss
books
or music
or art
and that he could never see the
self-inflicted marks on my skin
as a testiment to my
strength to recover- not just
proof of a soul that sometimes
cant handle any more disappointment.
And it bothers me that
I don’t have a note to cling to-
love words to read over when I
cant help feeling like the tiny
inconsequential speck of stardust
that I really am.
But instead of diving into the
memorabilia of better times,
I fall asleep listening to
break-up radio and trying to remember
how you smelled like
sawdust
and engine grease
and you…

“Olfactory”- 3-3-14- jessicagadziala

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