Winter Is Coming

I count the days he hasn’t called
like other people count kisses
or petals on flowers
and after five days
I guess he loves me not-
(but I swear his chest is the
safest place in the world)
he kept me warm all last winter
and the world is getting
colder again and I am scared
I am going to freeze to death
from the inside out because of
all the coolness I am harboring
toward someone who lets me
spend so many nights with
cold hands and cold feet
and a phone stubbornly staying silent.

“Winter Is Coming”- 12-2-13-jessicagadziala


If my words didn’t have a tendency
to get stuck in my throat
right behind a huge fist of 
insecurity and doubt-
I would tell him that I think
I loved him the moment we met
in that dark room on my birthday
(the one where my boyfriend stood me up)
and he told me he liked my hair
and I swear we were kindred spirits-
reincarnated versions of former
lovers or best friends
and I didn’t even have to ask
to know how broken he was-
and we have spent five years
with chisels in hands carefully
deconstructing the walls built
to keep everyone from knowing the truth-
and I can find comfort in his words
at three in the morning, tears streaming
down my face over another guy he knew
he told me to leave weeks ago
(but I can never seem to follow good advice)
and I can finally prove to him
that there are people who will be
there for him even after he let
the facade fade away-
(because I knew I loved him the moment we met.)

“J”- 11-30-13-jessicagadziala